8 months today. Life goes on. This sun still sets, the moon still rises, people continue on with their busy lives chasing the North American Dream and I'm still stuck with the processing of these events and the pressure on my shoulders of pursuing the path that I'm meant to go on. Only difference being, you're not here.
It's a strange thing to deal with... awaking to this obscure reality, this odd parallel world and having to continue on. It feels like a Pandora's Box opened and you desparately want to reverse time and conceal it, but it's impossible and it eats at your soul knowing nothing will be the same.
I woke up today with a lump in my throat and a crushing feeling of defeat. Strangely enough, I didn't even think to check the date so I continued on with making breakfast, going to the bus and boarding it to go to a casting. Half way there, Mom texted me with a reminder and then it hit me... your presence was with me all day, from the moment I woke up.
The hardest part of the day each month is the reminder of the events and guilt from knowing I'm not living my life to it's maximum potential, not embracing every moment in this gift of life, which is exactly what it is... a gift.
Your death has brought a new found hate within me for those galavanting through life without a care in the world. I just feel like so many people have no idea of just how good they have it and complain about the most mundane shit. What a simple life it must be... it's ironic bevause that's exactly how I was growing up - a baffoon without a care in the world.
Your death has brought, if anything, extreme realization of the world that surrounds me. Acceptance of the good and the bad. I now don't live in denial - I accept things as they are and don't waste my hope on external change, only internal.
I hope the afterlife has brought love and freedom to you Dyl, because that's all you ever wanted from life. I sometimes like to envision your soul flying through the universe and all its endless dimensions, experiencing the vast knowledge that is out there and embracving it fully. I miss our brotherhood but it is selfish to say that I wish you could come back because I know in my heart you are having the time of your existence wherever you are, because you were too good for this world.
Until the day I see you again, know you are always in my mind and in my heart. I love you more than you could ever know brother. My only wish is that I could have made that abundantly clear. I hope you continue guiding me to whatever my purpose is here.