Justin's Six Month Anniversary Post
It's been 6 months since that moment I was awoken by shrieks of pain coming from moms room, that moment when Grampy told me over the phone that you had passed, the moment that changed my path and life indefinitely.
I wish while writing this I had more to tell you but truth is I've put my life on standstill since your passing, this is something I've never had to deal with before and I wish I was able to say I've dealt with it in a healthier manner than I have but the overwhelming grief of the matter is a very slow process to move through and has gotten the best of me.
You are my best friend Dylan, though I might have not told you enough, especially in the last 6 months of your life, the fact of the matter is you are. With any passing of someone close to you, especially a brother, I feel like a large part of me is missing and the last 6 months I've been trying to do things to help with that fact, but what I've come to realize is there is nothing that will fill that void. It is a part of me now and always will be and I need to learn how to live with it.
Initially after your death I proposed a sobriety pact and invited the family to partake knowing it would be the healthiest possible way to deal with the matter and to inebriate at all throughout the process would be only setting ourselves up for more grief down the road. MomKim), Jim and Eden have stuck with it but I slipped about 3 months into it due to weakness. I found myself lying in my bed every night thinking about memories of us and being unable to sleep until 4 or 5 in the morning. Then awaking at 10 or so and not feeling myself until 5 in the afternoon due to lack of sleep. This over the course of 93 days started making me feel like I was losing my mind (restlesness, anxiety, overwhelming depression) so I started indulging in marijuana again to allow myself to shut down and sleep. This didn't help at all though, I find myself consumed in guilt obsessing about things I could have done to change the reality of the situation, and also guilt regarding breaking the pact I initiated in the first place. So on this day I've made the decision to stop again and will find other ways to deal with this issue.
It was hard being at Mom and Jim's wedding without you man, mom had me walk her down the isle and hand her off to Jim. It was a beautiful moment in time, but all I could think about was how you should have been there, it all felt so wrong. Grammy Eunice) and I had a good cry after the ceremony, she's the strongest woman I know Dyl, and she's trying her best to deal with the situation aswell, but I do worry about her.
Your friends are doing well here, I had breakfast with Quinn today. He got a tattoo for you, it says "introvert'' with an infinity symbol as the O to remind him that you are and always will be looking over those you cared about. It hit me really deep man, you had so much love around you but were so blind to it. That's the part that kills me the most. I'm getting my tattoo for you at the end of the month. I think you'd like it (even though you hated tattoo's).
I hope the afterlife is everything you wanted and expected it to be man, I find myself breaking down at times thinking that i'll never see you again but I don't truly believe that in my heart. I have dreams about your soul flying through the cosmos to different ends of the universe and imagining the look on your face while doing it, talking with god and being taught all the knowledge in the universe and finally having everything make sense, feeling love to the fullest extent and you finally being unconditionally happy, because that''s all I ever wanted for you.
Time continues, days go on, but life will never be the same. You're on my mind at all moments everyday, I can't even fathom words to express how much I miss you, how much I love you. Brother, you are my guide for the rest of my life. I will continue to search for strength in the situation, no matter how weak and vulnerable it makes me feel. I will continue looking for you in the world around me and most importantly I will never forget what you stood for.
Until we meet again,Love you man.Jay.
"You're still here in my heart and mind, still making me laugh cause your stories live on. I hold you in a thought and I can feel you. I feel you and this gives me strength and courage. The tears I have cried for you could flood the earth and I know you have wiped each one away.For you Brother, I promise you this, I will go on with my life and make you proud. I will always hold you in my heart. I promise you I will be missing you everyday till the end of time, but this is not my end and I can't hold my head underwater....I need to breathe. I need to love and miss you, but I also need to live because through me you will live, you will still laugh and love, you will still sing and dance, you will still hug and kiss. You will forever be in our lives.I am going to miss your shining face I think of you and wonder why? I might cry or smile, but at the end of the day I am one day closer to you...."- Shannon Billeter